F is for friends and their limitations
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When I moved to Barcelona to start a new life teaching English, I quickly befriended a fellow teacher; let’s call her Nicky for the sake of this story. Nicky and I worked at the same school and had similar shifts so we started hanging out together both in and out of work.
Both new to the city and in need of a friend, we came to rely on each other and ended up spending so much time in each other’s company, it seemed that the only thing we didn’t do together was sex. That was never on the cards but it was the closest female friendship I had ever had.
We both loved Barcelona but were both on an emotional roller-coaster, mainly because of bad choices we’d made with men. I’d been feeling pretty miserable around that time but something happened to make me hit an all-time low. I can’t even remember what it was now, the lasting memory I have is the feeling of rejection and disillusionment I experienced when I reached out to Nicky for support and she chose not to give it to me.
She had her reasons; she’d just met a man who she was really keen on and terrified of losing. She felt she couldn’t risk cancelling or delaying a date with him to be my shoulder to cry on; she didn’t know him very well and wasn’t sure he’d understand. I think there were other issues involved, too, but I wasn’t interested in them. I just wanted her to give me a hug and cheer me up. I know, I was being selfish and unreasonable but at the time, it hurt because I realised, there and then, that I’d been dumped.
Being dumped by a friend is worse in some ways than being dumped by a boyfriend, especially when neither friend has done anything so terrible that you need to avoid each other. Instead of being allowed to feel sorry for myself because I was now alone and having to start finding new ways of entertaining myself, I was supposed to be happy for her that she’d found love.
And I was pleased for her, honestly. I was with them the night they met and have always really liked the guy so I couldn’t hold anything against him but our friendship changed forever that day.
What she did was normal and justifiable; she chose to look after her own interests and future instead of mine. They’re still together, eight years and two kids later so it paid off.
I’ve never allowed myself to get that close to a friend since. It’s not their job to be there for you no matter what. Friends can only give you what they have available at any given time, without prejudicing their own interests.
The friendships I’d had before I met Nicky were never as intense. We always had other commitments, which were implicitly understood, but I suppose Nicky and I were both a little lost in a strange city, away from our family and lifelong friends and in need of the extra support we were initially free and willing to give each other. That’s why it hurt so much when it was withdrawn, through no fault of my own, and I had to pretend that it was okay, that nothing had changed because we were still friends. She just had a boyfriend now.
Fortunately for me, there was one friend available for me that weekend and he listened to me rant and rave and weep and rail about my original woes which were quickly replaced with the wounds of fresh betrayal. I remain eternally grateful to him for putting up with that and still wanting to be my friend!
As for Nicky, I suppressed my resentment and continued to meet up with her, more often than not with boyfriend in tow, and I gradually found other people to hang out with. It was two years before I talked to her about the way I felt. I’d moved to Tanzania by then and was back in Barcelona to do a course and staying at her flat.
I thought that I’d gone past the emotional stage but I can remember shaking as I finally came clean about how I’d held it against her all that time. It was only then that I understood quite how significant that weekend had been for her, too, and that she wasn’t simply blowing me out for a hot date. There was a lot more going on behind the scenes that I’d been too wrapped up in my own shit to care about.
It was good to clear the air; we both had issues with each other and although our friendship could never be the way it had been, I think we fixed some fences in it. We haven’t lived in the same country for eight years and haven’t seen each other for five and our relationship is now limited to occasional facebook messages but we still care about each other. Just not enough to drop everything for.
This post was inspired by Write It Now, a bi-weekly writing challenge I found on Beyond the Brush. The topic this week is friendship and of the various prompts, I went for question 4. Were you ever betrayed by a friend? How?
It’s part of my A to Z of Free Writing, which I started with G is for Gratitude.
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I too have been dumped, I’m not quite sure what for, twice, and it hurts, it rankles, it angers, and it then still leaves me wondering why. My other close friendships have all spanned many years, decades, but these two were never mended. Once some things are said or done there is no going back. One of my father’s old adages was to never say anything in anger … The friendship either weathers the words, or it doesn’t.
That’s why I waited so long to talk to her about it. By then, the damage had been done but we’ve maintained a distant friendship of sorts afterwards. It hurt like hell at the time and has obviously had a lasting impact on me otherwise I wouldn’t be bringing it up again so many years later. It’s certainly not something I dwell on often but I found it worse than being rejected by a bloke. I expected more from a woman 😉
Well written life story Julie. I too have gone through the same sort of problem, just haven´t confronted my friend about it and have just put it behind my back, although as you say, the problem is always there and once in a while it comes to my mind…I just didn´t expect that a friendship of 25 years would go this way!
I think that’s what hurts the most – when people behave differently from the way you expected them to under the circumstances. It’s hard to get past the disappointment. I feel for you, Sami, especially when it happened with someone you’ve known for such a long time and thought you could rely on.
Take solace in the knowledge that you have such friends, there are many mortals stuck on this planet that never realise such a relationship. We look for mutual assistance, approval and support from those we hold nearest and dearest and we should never lose sight of the gift of true friends; they accept you for what you are under all circumstances but that doesn’t always equate to 24/7 coverage!
Holding in/back your feelings can fester resentment and such unhappy feelings that the other friend may/may not be aware of contemporaneously, so if you don’t want ambiguity then express your feelings , positive or negative and at the time as heart felt then you will grow the relationship together and be there for each other.
Communication is key, stop doing that and you’re on the slippery slope toward tolerated friendship not true friendship.
You’re right, Althea, of course friends can’t be there for you 24/7, it’s just difficult to accept sometimes, especially when there’s a sudden change in their availability. As you say, it’s important to communicate in order to avoid stewing in a soup of bitterness and resentment.